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From what we’ve seen on the internet lately, house hunting feels less like you’re making a huge, happy life decision and more like WTF is happening.
Don’t believe us? Well, there was that one house with what looked like a grave in the backyard and came with a mysterious upstairs tenant that will never pay rent. Or how about that other very quaint two-bedroom that we’d describe as cozy with a heaping spoonful of clowns?
Now that you are appropriately aware of the current state of the housing market, we bring your attention to the story of Olivia A. Cole, a Louisville resident who has been looking for a new house with her husband. How has her search been going? Well…
So I may have done the whitest thing imaginable today. I never thought I would be this white woman.
But here we are. Join me for this story
Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Cole spun a 28-tweet story on Twitter about a showing she went on that was so engrossing even J.K. Rowling endorsed it.
Of course, we couldn’t wait to read it for ourselves because we love a good house-hunting story. And this one definitely didn’t disappoint because it got weirder and weirder as it went on.
We’ve used the emoji below to indicate our level of WTF at certain points in the story. See if your own WTF levels match ours as you read on.
We really want more space so have been checking out rental homes. Today we saw this cute older house. A bungalow. I was all pic.twitter.com/w8N5hBgH8N
Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
It rained last night so the outside is a little gloomy. Older house. Wet stone. My husband is like “Eh it’s a little creepy.” pic.twitter.com/iHHpG7NCYq
Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
I’m all “No! it’s just rainy! It’s cute!” So the agent starts giving us the tour.
First thing we notice is this weird grate thing inside.
Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Agent: “Oh that’s just the return vent for the AC.”
Me: “Oh okay!”
Husband: “Why does it look like the bars to a dungeon?”
Agent: pic.twitter.com/peolDuk2lK
Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
We move along in the tour. We check out the kitchen. It’s tiny and I cook a lot, so even I was like, “hmm.” Husband notices something.
Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
“What are these scratches on the window?”
Agent: “Oh, I think it’s tough to open so probably a little wear and tear.”
Me: “Oh okay!”
Him: pic.twitter.com/DJOgLCTKgi
Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
We check out the upstairs. Perfect room for a nursery. Master bedroom is smallish, but nice big closet. Me right now: pic.twitter.com/Em1NQ2msmW
Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Husband *inspecting closet*: “Um…what is this little door inside the closet?”
Agent: “What little door? Oh. I didn’t notice that.” pic.twitter.com/PIk60dCYMY
Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Husband opens the door. It’s a tiny dark room.
Husband looks at me, whispers: “It looks like that shit from Get Out, Olivia.”
Me by now: pic.twitter.com/9c32VsbTNv
Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Agent: “Let’s check out the basement next, shall we?”
Me: “Okay!”
Husband: “I mean…”
We go to the basement.
Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
It’s very clean and not super dark. Lots of shelving. Couple chairs.
And a door in the very back.
It has three padlocks & a sliding lock.
Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Husband immediately: “What does that door go to?”
Agent quickly: “Oh, I don’t think it goes anywhere. We don’t have a key.”
Me: Ok!
Him: pic.twitter.com/4x4ISH3DXb
Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Agent: “I think it goes to the backyard.”
Husband: “Why is it locked? With like 10 locks?”
Agent: pic.twitter.com/jZQJgi0vQM
Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
We go to the backyard. It’s so cute. Rosebushes. Hostas and shit. Firepit.
Me, forgetting about the door locked to keep the Devil out: pic.twitter.com/bZrS4DmeAh
Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
There’s a latticework thingy that hides the underside of the house. I see a door.
Me: See? There’s the door! It just goes to the backyard!
Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Husband: You realize that door is on the opposite side of the basement. (points at blank wall) That’s where the locked door should be.
Me: pic.twitter.com/tn7X9Y6xqF
Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
And he was right. The door I was looking at had a window into the basement. The place where the Devil-locked door should have been was empty
Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
All of us have seen the movie where the white woman is making dumb ass decisions & ignoring EVERY SIGN OF THE DEVIL’S HANDIWORK.
Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Well, everyone. Today. Today I was that white woman.
The devil almost got me for some goddamn rosebushes and a built-in china cabinet.
Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
I was almost signing a 12 month lease with The Conjuring bc my white ass got taken in by some original hardwood floors & a porcelain tub
Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
We are so glad Cole made it out alive. To all of you house hunters out there, we hope you do the same.
Read more: http://mashable.com/
